Threads from the Tapestry of Mommahood: The beginning...

Friday, April 8, 2011

The beginning...

Today I reread a year old note that I wrote when my son, Silas, turned 6 months old. It is my inspiration for this blog. I long to memorialize precious moments with my children and lessons that I learn along the way as a parent. I hope that one day these will hold some value to my children as they will see the inner heart of their momma.

The blog title is from the poem, "The Weaver" written by Grant Colfax Tuller. This is one of my favorite poems as it reminds me of God's goodness and sovereignty.

My life is but a weaving
Between my Lord and me,
I cannot choose the colors
...He worketh steadily.

Ofttimes He weaveth sorrow,
And I in foolish pride
Forget He sees the upper
And I, the underside.

Not till the loom is silent
And the shuttles cease to fly
Shall God unroll the canvas
And explain the reason why.

The dark threads are as needful
In the Weaver's skillful hand
As the threads of gold and silver
In the pattern He has planned.

Often I concentrate on each thread of my life... the difficult moment, the joyous event, or the mistake. I forget to think of the beautiful mysterious tapestry that God is weaving as my life and how every thread is only a small portion of this larger picture. Each thread shapes me into the woman He longs for me to be... if I only surrender that moment to Him and ask for direction. I hope each post will be a picture of the thread of my day and that the blog will reveal a glimpse of the tapestry God is weaving...

So to begin here is the note from May 1, 2010 called Si's 1/2 birthday:

Some may think we are nuts for celebrating Silas' half birthday, but we have a great reason.

As I reflect over the last couple years, I recall a time not too long ago that my life was filled with despair and heartache... "Everything inside of me longs to hold my baby. I look at other mothers and wonder, why, God? why them and not me? All I want is a child to love and raise to know you. Why do you give people children that they abort? Why do you give neglectful parents children? Why do you bless those who say they do not want a child yet?" Boy did this time in my life show my sinfulness! Jealousy. Anger. Resentment. Bitterness. Mistrusting. Hatred.

I wish I could say now that I have the answers to such difficult questions, but I do not. All I do know is that God gives and He takes away. He chooses to bless the righteous and the unrighteous. He creates life when and how He sees fit. And furthermore, despite all my wretched sinfulness, He still chose to bless me.

He blessed me with far more than a beautiful miracle baby. He blessed me with a clean heart. One that he cleansed with His one and ONLY son. Wow. When I think about this it tears my heart apart. How could you give up your one and only beloved Son, God? How could you watch him die a torturous and humiliating death on the cross? Why would you?

I can NEVER imagine watching Silas die. Let alone making the decision to sacrifice him myself for another. I mean I would give my life up this very second if it meant good for Silas. So why God, creator of all the universe, would you allow Jesus to die?

Well daughter... because I love you! I love you SO much that I did sacrifice my one and ONLY son just so I could have a chance to reunite with you in relationship.

WOW. All I can say is love like that is something I can scarcely imagine.

We waited for 2 years for our miracle baby, Silas. As I sit here heart filled with immeasurable joy, I reflect how the waiting process changed me. How I had to surrender my "control" over to God. How I had to come to grips with the possibility of never having a baby to hold of my own. How I had to trust God to take care of my peanut as he grew inside my body. How now I must trust God to guide my daily decisions in raising Silas.

Ultimately this whole process has changed me probably far more than I will ever know. God is good. Even when circumstances do not make sense He is still good. For how can I question the goodness and love of one who would willing sacrifice His son for me?

So for Silas' life of 6 months today... Praise the Lord! Praise the Lord for patiently loving me as I struggled. Praise the Lord for using time and Silas to change my heart. Praise the Lord for each day He has given me to love, cuddle, nurture, protect and sacrifice for Silas. No one has shaped my life more than this little wee one I affectionately call Lovie. I love you, son.

And the song we now have chosen as Silas' Hymn:
How Deep the Father's Love

1 comment:

  1. And now you have two precious little ones :) God is so good!