Threads from the Tapestry of Mommahood

Thursday, October 13, 2011

No more procrastination

So I have taken quite a long hiatus from blogging. I have found it very difficult to find time to blog with two littles. I'm not sure how others do it with even more kiddos. I decided occasionally memorializing our special moments is better than never. So instead of striving for perfection and getting stuck when I fall behind... I will be gracious with myself and post as I can.

This pic was before the endless weeks of 100+ summer heat here in Dallas. It was before my dear plants all died on the porch. Si was learning hands on how to take care of plants. He watered, pruned and admired our plants. I loved sharing my passion for gardening with Silas. A sweet memory for me.

Thursday, April 28, 2011

Reflections of our time at DTS

Tonight is Phil's last night of classes EVER at seminary!! This is such an exciting time for our family, as we celebrate Phil's dedication to his studies and the way the Lord has blessed our family the last five years while at Dallas Theological Seminary.

Here is a recap of how the Lord has grown our family while at Seminary:

Oct. 2005- We met briefly at a party and didn't see each other again until Jan 2006
Feb. 19, 2006- Our first date
June 10, 2006- Got engaged
Jan. 6, 2007- Married
Feb. 2009- Pregnant with Silas
May 2009- I graduated with my Biblical counseling degree from DTS
Nov. 1, 2009- Silas Tate Bohaker is born
May 2010- Pregnant with Eliana
Feb. 19, 2011- Eliana Catherine Bohaker is born

So many other life events have happened during these years. We have dealt with health issues, deaths (of 3 grandparents), a miscarriage (before Silas), struggling to get pregnant, financial difficulties and so much more. These years have stretched me beyond what I could bear at times. They have humbled me until I had to turn EVERYTHING over to God. You know... when you have to lay all the burdens down...turn over all control... and take a good hard look at who you are?

I can't say that these years have met my expectations. There have been times I wondered,"How in the world did I get to this place, and how can I get out?! " Contrastingly, there have been moments that have filled my heart more complete with love and joy than I ever dreamed imaginable! I know now that these precious moments would not have been possible apart from the terribly difficult and painful ones.

I have had the privilege to see my Hubba grow and change while in school. My Hubba, of course, has grown in his Biblical knowledge, theological positions and in his language skills. All of these will help in future ministries, but truly he has learned more important things than this while here.

He has become a sensitive, honest and vulnerable man. One who is now capable of loving our children playfully and freely. He has come to see his shortcomings and be accountable for them. He has learned what true intimacy is and his relationships have benefited from this greatly. The Lord has given him a heart for the poor, oppressed and forgotten. He has seen that most theological issues are not black and white. He has learned to lean on others. He has become a strong support for me and a spiritual leader in our home. He has made his family his priority and sacrificed to maintain this. He has become an expert diaper changer. He has learned that perfectionism is a waste of precious time. He has learned to deal openly with his emotions. He has learned "not to compare people's outsides with his insides." He has learned the necessity of community. He is doing the hard work of addressing his past and he is turning to the Lord for healing.

Phil has changed so much since I met him... and I couldn't be prouder of him...well maybe one person could be prouder of him... my Silas. See, to Si, Phil is THE MAN. Like the one and only man. He looks to Phil to know what it means to be a man. What a huge responsibility that is! He wakes up every morning looking for Daddy. He asks for daddy when Phil isn't around. When Phil returns home... Silas runs to the door to see his beloved papa. This afternoon, Silas saw a picture of Phil pointed to him and said, "This!" I said, "daddy?" Silas replied, "daddy...I want this!" and pointed to the pic again. My heart melted.. this kid truly loves his daddy and is VERY proud of him!

**Silas wearing Phil's boxers, shirt (as a cape) and socks! This was the outfit he wanted to wear on Tuesday.

Silas is looking to be like Phil. Well Phil is not perfect; he is a work in progress. But, he is real and authentic and for that I hope Silas does follow in his footsteps. I love you babe! Congrats!!

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Consider it pure JOY...

Finding joy in the pleasures of life comes naturally, but finding joy in the difficulties and the mundanes of life takes effort. With Easter approaching quickly, I have been concentrating my prayers and studies on joy. What greater season to be joyful about? For when I turn my eyes upon Jesus and what He has done for me, the world's troubles truly fade away.

So I set out this week to seek the joy in the everyday life of being a momma and wife. What I found was beautiful. I found a little energetic boy longing for his momma's attention. What joy it was to set time apart, not just read to him, but make the story come to life. It was bliss to put him in the moby wrap and teach him about cooking and putting away the dishes. He loved the new perspective and soaked up my words. He even learned new words from this activity! He now asks to be in the carrier by saying, "wrap." It was wonderful to see the amusement on Silas' face when I taught him a new song and danced around like a carefree child.

The treasure of Eliana's laughter, as I held her sleeping, was enough to melt this momma's heart. Her coos and smiles bring delight to my day. What a privilege it is to watch her change and learn each day.

And my favorite moment of all... was captured in this photograph:


No greater joy have I found, as a momma, than seeing my two littles grow to love one another. Looking for the blessings and creating fun memories keep my days full of joy. Thank you, Lord.

Sunday, April 17, 2011

Weekend Reflections

Weekends are different now that we have two little ones. Somehow, even when we have nothing officially planned we are SUPER busy. Things that have happened: 1. Silas said his first few complete sentences, "What is this?" "I want this." "Ma more of this." Not sure a stranger would understand him clearly, but to our parental ears it makes perfect sense. 2. Silas followed me around most of Sunday evening saying "Momma this!" I spent most of the time trying to figure out what "this" was. 3. Eliana spent 15 minutes talking, cooing, laughing and smiling at her new best friend, a stuffed bee. 4. Eliana rolled over to her tummy from her back. We have only seen it once, so far. 5. We took the kids out in our brand new "limousine" stroller. It is a tandem double stroller and man is it HUGE! (attached is a pic) 6. Silas, for the first time in about a year, was carried in the Moby Wrap on me! I never thought of putting him in this big, but it freed my hands up to make dinner Saturday night. He loved the new perspective and enjoyed learning all about how to make spaghetti! Even with all the chaos of the weekend, Phil managed to fix our dishwasher (which was broken) and put together our stroller, I was able to plant some beautiful flowers, and we got away for one evening on a date (thanks to the generous Bouhasins!)

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Living in the moment...

Something I have been working on the last year is attempting to live in the moment. I, instead, find myself pondering the difficult conversation from last night, the exciting event in the future, or the ideals I hold in my head. It is hard for me to take each moment in stride, allowing the flow of life to continue, through feeling my emotions, acknowledging them, working through them... then moving on to the next moment. Now my little ones on the other hand have NO problem living in the moment. Truly they are the poster children for this. For example, Silas, at the park today, was enthralled by sticks. Apparently the beauty of the bark, unbeknownst to me, is quite captivating! He was occupied collecting these treasures for quite some time, but then it was time to leave. Silas did not understand why his treasures belonged in the park and no reasoning helped him understand. Thus, a tantrum ensued. Screaming. Tears. Reddened face. Flailing arms and legs. Oh... the emotional expressions of a 17 month old. Then once he saw his juice and beloved, "puffs" he was fully content to accept them as the new treasures of the moment. The tantrum ceased and peace and joy returned. He fully experienced his fascination with the sticks with much delight, he fully expressed his disappointment with having to part with them, and he completely embraced the next blessing in store for him. I wish I could express and deal with my emotions with such rawness and honesty. How I long to be able to leave the disappointing moment behind and feel the present blessings fully. I got a glimpse of the beauty of the moment today, when I held my precious sleeping baby girl in my arms. Silas was sleeping and the condo was quiet for once...I could have distracted myself with a number of tasks that needed tending to, but instead I stopped. I seized the moment. I fully experienced the joy of cuddling my beautiful E. I felt the softness of her skin and the gentleness of her breath. I became captivated with her beauty and overwhelmed by my love for her. A wonderful moment. A tremendous blessing. One I hope to never forget. How I grieve the moments I have missed by being busy with worrying, distracted by cleaning or disconnected through technology. May I learn to live more like my Silas...seizing each moment.

Friday, April 8, 2011

The beginning...

Today I reread a year old note that I wrote when my son, Silas, turned 6 months old. It is my inspiration for this blog. I long to memorialize precious moments with my children and lessons that I learn along the way as a parent. I hope that one day these will hold some value to my children as they will see the inner heart of their momma.

The blog title is from the poem, "The Weaver" written by Grant Colfax Tuller. This is one of my favorite poems as it reminds me of God's goodness and sovereignty.

My life is but a weaving
Between my Lord and me,
I cannot choose the colors
...He worketh steadily.

Ofttimes He weaveth sorrow,
And I in foolish pride
Forget He sees the upper
And I, the underside.

Not till the loom is silent
And the shuttles cease to fly
Shall God unroll the canvas
And explain the reason why.

The dark threads are as needful
In the Weaver's skillful hand
As the threads of gold and silver
In the pattern He has planned.

Often I concentrate on each thread of my life... the difficult moment, the joyous event, or the mistake. I forget to think of the beautiful mysterious tapestry that God is weaving as my life and how every thread is only a small portion of this larger picture. Each thread shapes me into the woman He longs for me to be... if I only surrender that moment to Him and ask for direction. I hope each post will be a picture of the thread of my day and that the blog will reveal a glimpse of the tapestry God is weaving...

So to begin here is the note from May 1, 2010 called Si's 1/2 birthday:

Some may think we are nuts for celebrating Silas' half birthday, but we have a great reason.

As I reflect over the last couple years, I recall a time not too long ago that my life was filled with despair and heartache... "Everything inside of me longs to hold my baby. I look at other mothers and wonder, why, God? why them and not me? All I want is a child to love and raise to know you. Why do you give people children that they abort? Why do you give neglectful parents children? Why do you bless those who say they do not want a child yet?" Boy did this time in my life show my sinfulness! Jealousy. Anger. Resentment. Bitterness. Mistrusting. Hatred.

I wish I could say now that I have the answers to such difficult questions, but I do not. All I do know is that God gives and He takes away. He chooses to bless the righteous and the unrighteous. He creates life when and how He sees fit. And furthermore, despite all my wretched sinfulness, He still chose to bless me.

He blessed me with far more than a beautiful miracle baby. He blessed me with a clean heart. One that he cleansed with His one and ONLY son. Wow. When I think about this it tears my heart apart. How could you give up your one and only beloved Son, God? How could you watch him die a torturous and humiliating death on the cross? Why would you?

I can NEVER imagine watching Silas die. Let alone making the decision to sacrifice him myself for another. I mean I would give my life up this very second if it meant good for Silas. So why God, creator of all the universe, would you allow Jesus to die?

Well daughter... because I love you! I love you SO much that I did sacrifice my one and ONLY son just so I could have a chance to reunite with you in relationship.

WOW. All I can say is love like that is something I can scarcely imagine.

We waited for 2 years for our miracle baby, Silas. As I sit here heart filled with immeasurable joy, I reflect how the waiting process changed me. How I had to surrender my "control" over to God. How I had to come to grips with the possibility of never having a baby to hold of my own. How I had to trust God to take care of my peanut as he grew inside my body. How now I must trust God to guide my daily decisions in raising Silas.

Ultimately this whole process has changed me probably far more than I will ever know. God is good. Even when circumstances do not make sense He is still good. For how can I question the goodness and love of one who would willing sacrifice His son for me?

So for Silas' life of 6 months today... Praise the Lord! Praise the Lord for patiently loving me as I struggled. Praise the Lord for using time and Silas to change my heart. Praise the Lord for each day He has given me to love, cuddle, nurture, protect and sacrifice for Silas. No one has shaped my life more than this little wee one I affectionately call Lovie. I love you, son.

And the song we now have chosen as Silas' Hymn:
How Deep the Father's Love